Bakura's Trip to the Zoo
by ShadowoftheHeart
Summary: Ryou makes the dreaded mistake of dragging his yami to a fun-filled day at the zoo. His yami isn't so willing to cooperate with all the things to destroy and the chaos he can create. Sharks are good for sharpening projectiles and beware the plushie army!


Note: I wrote this years ago in a sugar and pocky-induced state. I wanted to revive it, no matter how ridiculous it is. It is merely for fun.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Hello my fans; my dear, loveable, wonderful, adoring, Bakura-plushy-wielding fans! It is I your beloved one and only, Yami Bakura. I am sure you want to hear about my oh-so-amazing adventures of beating the blasted faggot pharaoh you call Y-A-M-I, or how I set Ryou's cat on fire on a regular basis, but today I shall tell you about my eventful day at a place you mortals call a "zoo."

It was eight a.m., and I was up doing my normal beating of the alarm clock and sending that blasted toaster to the shadow realm for burning my beloved toast to a crisp, when I noticed the calendar on the fridge.

Oh yes, that thing Ryou uses for 'planning' and putting those dates in those little squares. Today's square read, "visit to zoo with yami." I blinked and wondered what on earth this 'zoo' was. My aibou was constantly confusing me with this jitter jabber of his about 'insurance', 'sex offenders', 'animal control', and the 'asylum'.

Really, what on earth is an asylum, and why would I need to go there? I will tell you Ryou is constantly blaming things on me! I have done nothing! Who would suspect me a cute, innocent, and loveable tomb robber?

Okay, so I accidentally blew up the microwave, and there was that time when I made all of the cat's hair fall out, and where I sent all of Ryou's plushies to the shadow realm. They kept staring at me with their cute beady little eyes. They were planning to revolt and I couldn't risk them calling for any reinforcements. Someday the plushy army will attack. I have been waiting for it for centuries.

Well anyway, let's get away from the plushies and get down to this whole zoo ordeal. I was examining a small glass turtle by the window seal and decided to see if it could bounce when Ryou came downstairs holding a camera and his wallet.

"Why cheerio Bakura! Are you ready for a fun-filled day at the Domino Zoo?" the British pansy asked me, with a cheerful smile of cordiality on his face, looking all ebullient.

I didn't reply and was twitching at his accent. For some reason though we live Japan, my Hikari has a British accent! Thanks a lot FourKids!

Ryou sighed and waited for an answer. "Come on yami, we are going to be late. You didn't destroy ANOTHER toaster did you?"

I looked at him innocently.

I tell you that little shiny box was just radiating with gayness. It had to die!

"Well Ryou, that stupid thing deserved it!"

Ryou glared at me. What did I do to deserve this everyday?

"Bakura! Those things are expensive! I can't keep affording to keep re-buying everything you destroy! Can't you please behave just this once? It will only be for a few hours."

Blah blah blah…these pitiable attempts to stand up to me and useless lectures are so exasperating…

"Honestly Ryou, I don't understand what you mortals see in such things. Now tell me what this blasted 'zoo' is. Get on with it so we may leave."

Ryou sighed and shook his head. "Don't you go mad or anything when I tell you/"

I smirked revealing my pearly whites, and put my hard gaze on him. " 'Mad?' Why would you say that?" I whispered in his ear, chuckling as Ryou shivered.

"Oh what's wrong? Are you cold?" I asked, enjoying these kinds of moments. Ryou shook his head.

"C-Could you not do that? I mean, it is freaky, you scare everyone away when you do that," my aibou said in whisper.

I smirked and shook my head. _Maybe I enjoy doing that. Mortals are so pathetic, weak, and defenseless. You have no power over me._

_Why must you speak telepathically? I'm right here! _

Ryou was glowering at me.

I made a clicking noise in my mouth. "It is all the more fun. Now hurry up and tell me what this zoo is!"

Ryou glared at me. "A zoo is a place where you get to look at all different species of animals, and learn about them. You can see so many different animals like lions, tigers, monkeys, sharks…"

"Monkeys you say? Why aren't Jonouchi and that blasted pharaoh living there then. Real tigers? **Sharks**? Oh glorious Ra! This will be a 'bloody good day' as you wannabee British call it!" I exclaimed in mischievous glee, curious about this new amazing paradise full of beasts that could rip flesh apart.

_Ripped flesh_! This place would be my heaven!

Ryou's eyes widened, probably catching my plans. What? I would never do anything crazy! I just wanted to see the sharks. They are so cute and loveable you know. They are useful for pencil and projectile sharpening.

They also make great household pets. One time I brought one home (I bought it on "Ebay" using Ryou's credit card) and Ryou suddenly started writhing and cursing. I thought he looked like he was possessed or something. Who would have ever heard of Ryou being possessed? A pinch of sarcasm here…I had never seen him blow up like that except when I put a bomb in the neighbor's dog house.

The dog was old and decaying anyway. Besides, I never had a fondness Chihuahuas. They are so small and they yip and bite all the time. That Taco Bell commercial makes me cringe. Also never wear a green sweater in the presence of a tiny dog. You will be in for hell I tell you!

Ryou was staring at me suspiciously as I twiddled my thumbs and began to have my daily maniacal laugh, I have them at the approximate times. I have a schedule you know. I am very busy, as you will see. Also being dead for thousands of years, sleep is irrelevant granting me more time for tomb robber mayhem!

Here is my schedule:

12:30 a.m.-sneak out and look for useless people to send to the abyss

3:00 a.m.-go over plans of killing the pharaoh

3:14- Send useless remote to the shadow realm

3:17-maniacal laugh

4:30-end maniacal laugh and go prowling around the neighborhood

6:00- be home in time before Ryou finds out

7:45- meditation…

8:15- maniacal laugh

9:30-maniacal laughing session over, begin stabbing random things for the next hour

10:30-prank calls, leave house to torture neighbor's cat

11:45-teach squirrels to dance

1:00-lunch and duel the pharaoh

1:02- maniacal laugh and listen to the screams after I set a random building on fire

2:45- Maniacal laughing session over, begin observing the floor, because I find it very interesting…

4:30- practice sending things to the shadow realm

5:15- maniacal laugh

6:10- invade Ryou's drawers

6:35- go through Ryou's things

7:45- stab all the cute things in Ryou's room

8:30-channel surf, with a touch of furry pornography

10:00- stare at the wall until twelve-thirty

And that is only Wednesday!

"BAKURA!!"

Hm?

"We're at the zoo! Stop laughing! People are beginning to stare," Ryou growled in agitation, as he stepped out of the car.

When did we get in the car? I looked around. Then I saw IT.

To be continued…


End file.
